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Friday, April 13, 2007

Houdini deserves her own show!

Bailey, my precocious mut, seriously deserves her own tv show as an escape artist. She escapes, yes, but that's only half the story. She is a true magician. Science cannot explain how she does it. I'm thinking she is tapped into the dark arts. Here's my evidence so far:

STATE'S EXHIBIT #1


As you can see by this picture, the distance between the metal bars in the gate is exactly 4 inches. (Notice the chicken wire. Houdini's first escape attempt involved just the simple gate. For her encore, she stepped up the magic--the chicken wire was once tied to the side and bottom of the gate by stiff metal wire and was inexplicably peeled back from the corner.)

STATE'S EXHIBIT #2


This picture, which fairly and accurately represents Houdini's head, shows that her head is at least 5 inches wide. Though not pictured, the bulk of that width is a hard skull that is neither flexible nor collapsable. When one subtracts the space between the metal bars from the width of the magician's head, there is at least 1 inch of overlap remaining, or 20% of Houdini's head. Somehow 100% of her head is passing through an area only big enough for 80% of her head.

STATE'S EXHIBIT #3


The final picture taken as part of my investigation shows the girth of the illusionist's chest. As you can clearly see, her chest is just over 8 inches. If my calculations are correct, her chest is twice as wide as the gap between the metal bars in the gate. It is impossible to determine, without the aid of x-rays (or possibly an autopsy), exactly how far the rigid skeletal structure stretches across the 8 inches and how much the pliable muscle, fat, and skin extends past the bones. Based on a generous estimate that the skeletal structure extends across 90% of the width and the remaining 10% is the bendable sinew, then 7.2 inches of the breadth is not flexible or collapsible. If my calculations are correct, 56.6% of her ribs and shoulders should be able to squeeze through the 4 inch gap, while 44.4%, a length of 3.2 inches, overlaps the space available for free movement.


In candor, I must divulge that I am merely an English major and have superficial training in the science of biology and physics. But the numbers don't lie. There is no reasonable, scientific explanation for Houdini's ability to escape. My conclusion: she has sold her soul to the devil, who in turn gave her mystical powers, in exchange for the ability to explore the wide world beyond her backyard. Unfortunately for her, the devil didn't keep his promise that she could run free; for she now spends her days locked in the garage from which there has can be no escape. Or perhaps she is merely developing her next great illusion.

He looked upon his creation, and saw that it was good.

The grass is in and doing well, though the sprinklers are still giving me a headache. It is nice too look at, though I think the dogs appreciate it more than I do. I would have loved to fill the backyard with grass, but one can't be too gung-ho about grass when living in the desert. One of these days I'm going to hike out into the desert, dig up a cactus or two, and plant them in the corners. I'm sure Cambrea will plant a few flowers, or tomatoes, when my back is turned.

Monday, April 9, 2007

The sprinkler conundrum


URRGGGH! The wind never stops blowing in Kingman, and it's causing all sorts of problems for my lawn. One kind of sprinkler sprays the water the correct distance, but the wind pushes it around unevenly. The other kind of sprinkler is impervious to the wind, but it sprays to far and unevenly. As a result, some of the lawn is a beautiful green, and some is starting to dry out. Any suggestions?

Sunday, April 1, 2007

A Beautiful Hike

My biggest, and really my only, complaint about Kingman is that we are surrounded by nothing but brown dirt, brown plants, and brown mountains. I came to Kingman because of the job, not the location. I new friend of mine, Shem (pictured below), is a resident at the hospital in town and chose to come to Kingman because of the location, not the job. He has opened my eyes to the perks of living in northwest Arizona. Enjoy some of the pictures I took on a hike last weekend near Hoover Dam.







Future Dwight

Further evidence as to why if you are not already watching "The Office" you should start immediately. Post haste. Right now.